Anxiety feels like an ocean. When it hits, I struggle to keep my head above the water. It’s overwhelming and every single moment feels like I’m one breathe away from drowning. It’s so big, so vast, and it extends further than I can see. The water is dark and heavy. And the more I struggle against it all, the higher the waters gets.
The words “calm down” force me to struggle against my anxiety. And the water rises just a little more.
It should be obvious, but please remember: If I could stop my anxiety, I would have done so by now. These emotions are not a choice, or something that I have invited into my life. I am not a victim, but I am certainly not a willing participant. So please stop telling me to calm down. Please stop using phrases that imply that I should be able to control my anxiety.
The support I have received from my nearest and dearest has been phenomenal. During the first week I did struggle to even get out of bed, I wanted to hide away forever and not think, because thinking would lead to anxiety, and anxiety would lead to a panic attack, and thus never ending the vicious cycle. I cannot credit Dan, my mother, father and step-mum enough for rallying round me to keep my head above the water. For recognizing that it isn't all in my head, and for letting me know they are here for my 110%, day or night. I was so scared to let them know just how badly this was affecting me, and that was part of the problem. I was hiding the problem I so desperately needed their support for.
I opened up to a select few friends regarding my emotional health after some deliberation, because I I knew they would want to know, and to help if they could. They are women who inspire me, and who I cherish, so I can't thank Chrissy, Nat and Sarah enough for their unconditional love and support. I'm embarrassed by my anxiety because it makes me feel weak, and out of control, but these fabulous women have helped me to keep afloat when I've needed them the most. Quite handy that they're all my bridesmaids too! With a team like this behind me I have nothing by positives to look forward too.
When I finally let out my battle cry they all came running to arms with such a force to ensure that I knew I not in this alone.
The fact of the matter is that I am a work in progress, and that's okay. This won't be forever. It will pass, and if it does not I will know how to live with it in a better, more sustainable way. My anxiety doesn't define me, but it is part of my make up, and I am slowly learning to accept this fact.
If you've made it all the way through this I am very grateful for you taking the time to read my jumbled thoughts. If you have any advice on how you deal with anxiety I'd be really interested to read your thoughts, and connect.
No comments:
Post a Comment